Ex-Fundamentalist Bingo

Winners determined by…no, wait, you already won by leaving

• Potluck meals in the fellowship hall. You know whose food to avoid, if the church is small enough.
• Visitation — no, not the angels. Knocking on people’s doors like a church salesman, hoping they wouldn’t answer. Asking them “If you died today, do you know for sure you would go to heaven?” without realizing what a creepy question that is to ask someone you just met.
• Choir practices (also, ensembles, “special music”, offertories, cantatas, and handbells)
• Business meetings — where people take sides, discuss money, flex on each other. Non-members can’t attend. Fights over the color of the carpet. The best ones were when someone was kicked out. Super awkward but hella dramatic. Figuring out what people actually had done took a while because coded language
• No Super Bowl. If you know, you know. They preached LONGER on Super Bowl Sunday, and then even scheduled a business meeting afterwards if they were really hard-core. No fun for you!
• Long denim skirts — our attempt to seem like we could fit in with the “world” while being “modest”
• No shorts. No pants. No jeans. There might even have been signs about it.
• Teen summer camps that involved more church services than fun.